Monday, March 31, 2008

I am Selfish

Sometimes something happens in life that feels like a loud crashing bang. It opens our eyes to what has been going on. Like I've been just floating by with eyes half-closed on this river of life but the rushing rapids have startled me awake. I'm talking about something that makes you look within and evaluate your life.

So, I looked and I saw some stuff that I didn't like. At all.

I am selfish. I really don't have anything exciting to say about this, but I feel that I must admit it honestly. I'm not proud of it.

I get up in the morning when I want to and grumble at anyone who dares interrupt my routines. I cook foods that are easy to make and that sound good to me. I want to hear that you appreciate me. I want to present a side to people that makes me likeable, that makes me look good. I do things that benefit me.

I want to be happy and I keep grumbling about how this or that isn't making me happy. I was talking with my friend about this yesterday. About how cleaning toilets doesn't make me happy and using dirty toilets doesn't either so it's just a vicious cycle. She laughed at me because the pursuit of happiness is like a black hole. If I only did what made me happy, where would I be? (Seriously, that could be a Twighlight Zone episode - a very scary one).

Tell me that you do this too. Imagining a dream life where everything is just the way I like it. But the problem with that dream is that it's all about me. And that would be a pretty pathetic world, wouldn't it?

I guess somewhere along the way, I got the idea that God wanted me to seek my personal happiness. But, the verse says I ought to seek first His kingdom and then all these things will come after. I don't think He wants me to be unhappy; I just think happiness is not a good goal.

Following Him, obeying Him, living honestly before Him: those are things that lead to happiness.

Forgive me Father for my wandering eyes - fixed on me instead of You.

6 comments:

Angie said...

Heather! I am so there! You are not alone...I am there...right beside you suffering from the same "selfish disease"...you have the cure right as well....the prayer at the bottom..."fix my eyes on You O Lord"!
I appreciate your kind comment on my CWO Cafe post this morning...you blessed me! I was running late with it due to being out of town...but whew! Completed!!!

Denise said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings my friend.

SharonB said...

Oh Heather we are all there so often! But isn't it wonderful when God reveals those issues in our hearts so that He can bring them to Him...

lori said...

Heather...I came to say hello...or as we say down south..."HEY" and I was reading thinking..."I've been here..." It isn't all about me....I'm getting it, I think...I'm sure trying...

I don't like cleaning toilets...but I don't like using ones that smell like pee as soon as I walk in either...and those boys, I'll tell you...they MISS ...young and old...
so.............
I'm with you...cleaning them!
Finding JOY in it all...thankful that I have people to clean up after...
(did I JUST SAY THAT!)

seeking with you....His kingdom...
once again girl...
you made me THINK...
this time...something to sleep on!

hugs,
lori

Tiffany Stuart said...

Honesty heals. As you admit this struggle, the enemy has less hold.

I so relate to selfish thinking. It will be our battle everyday as we decide whether we walk in the flesh or His Spirit.

I echo your prayer.

You are loved regardless of your battle. When God looks down at you, He smiles. You are His daughter and you are covered in the righteousness of Christ. What a thought!

Scrapping Servant said...

Dito Lord. Thank you.