I am Selfish

Sometimes something happens in life that feels like a loud crashing bang. It opens our eyes to what has been going on. Like I've been just floating by with eyes half-closed on this river of life but the rushing rapids have startled me awake. I'm talking about something that makes you look within and evaluate your life.

So, I looked and I saw some stuff that I didn't like. At all.

I am selfish. I really don't have anything exciting to say about this, but I feel that I must admit it honestly. I'm not proud of it.

I get up in the morning when I want to and grumble at anyone who dares interrupt my routines. I cook foods that are easy to make and that sound good to me. I want to hear that you appreciate me. I want to present a side to people that makes me likeable, that makes me look good. I do things that benefit me.

I want to be happy and I keep grumbling about how this or that isn't making me happy. I was talking with my friend about this yesterday. About how cleaning toilets doesn't make me happy and using dirty toilets doesn't either so it's just a vicious cycle. She laughed at me because the pursuit of happiness is like a black hole. If I only did what made me happy, where would I be? (Seriously, that could be a Twighlight Zone episode - a very scary one).

Tell me that you do this too. Imagining a dream life where everything is just the way I like it. But the problem with that dream is that it's all about me. And that would be a pretty pathetic world, wouldn't it?

I guess somewhere along the way, I got the idea that God wanted me to seek my personal happiness. But, the verse says I ought to seek first His kingdom and then all these things will come after. I don't think He wants me to be unhappy; I just think happiness is not a good goal.

Following Him, obeying Him, living honestly before Him: those are things that lead to happiness.

Forgive me Father for my wandering eyes - fixed on me instead of You.