Choosing Joy

Sunset on the Fox River - on our way to Chicago

This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions, ups and downs, and a crazy busy time of year.  Just a glimpse into the last seven days:  I took my eldest daughter down to Chicago to go back to college for the year.  In a time a social unrest, she's returning to a dorm room only a few miles from the looting and rioting a couple weeks ago.  In addition, due to higher rates of COVID infections in our state, she was required to quarantine for her first 14 days back in Illinois.  

The long drive to and from a bustling city provided an opportunity to either build anxiety or lay my worries at His feet.  I can't claim to be perfect in this matter as I really thought I was at peace after walking the streets with Katie on a sunshiny day with city-dwellers out for Sunday runs or coffee but ended up at home after 10 hours on the road pretty tired and grumpy.  And then I sat down with The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen.  

I've been blessed to participate in a prayer-group of Christian principals from around the state who are studying Henri Nouwen's deep words about this story we are familiar with. This week we read about the older brother in the story and his resentment which built from a lack of understanding of how God's unconditional love is poured out for each of us.  I was convicted of my own need to return to the Father and rest in His love for me.  It's a trap when we start to think about what is "fair" and what our "rights" are because we deserve it.  Instead of looking for God's presence in my surroundings and finding the joy in the moment, I allowed my 7-hour drive home to build up resentments about how I lost my weekend due to this trip and I wasn't going to have time to do anything to catch up because every.single.day of the week was packed to the brim with work, including a board meeting Monday night and events I had to coordinate and lead throughout the week.  

I wanted to list out how full this week has been - PBIS meetings, planning in-service, New Teacher training, a full day with staff going through all of our new protocols due to COVID, for example.  The day when I was supposed to be "off" but during an optometry appointment, I recieved no less the 16 texts from school and tried to read them with dilated eyes.  The doctor said, "Oh, so you like a challenge do you?"  And the 12 emails from one parent alone, never mind the 100 in my inbox daily.   So, yes, it's been a busy week but that's part of this job and when I sit down to think about it, I'm reminded that I love my job.  I love the 375 kids who will come to school or stay home this year; I love my 30 elementary teachers and the bus drivers, secretaries, aides, kitchen staff and custodial staff who labor in love to care for all us.  I just needed to be reminded of that.  And it took my husband (always an honest voice when I get crabby) and Henri Nouwen to get me back on track.

This quote from Henri Nouwen captures how I'm feeling right now: 

"Resentment and gratitude cannot coexist....

Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice.  I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment.  It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of a complaint.  I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized..."

So, I guess it's time to choose joy.  To choose to look at how awesome it is to work with a group of teachers who set up a time to pray over the school this week and to come home to an amazing husband who took care of cleaning the house and doing the laundry, even taking off work because I couldn't afford to do that.  I can choose to see all the questions, concerns, and frustrations of parents and teachers with a compassionate heart instead of being resentful that they don't understand how hard we've worked all summer to create these plans.  And I can choose to see others the way God does, with open arms, knowing that we all (prodigal or not) just need to come back into His arms, lay our head on his heart, receive His love and listen in to His heartbeat long enough to know deeply He cares for us and that His plans for us are good.