Contemplations of a Mommy "Monk"

I'm posting at The Internet Cafe Today .... When I was in high school, I was quite the goody-two-shoes, but as I've grown closer to God, I've begun to realize God isn't just interested in behavior, but heart motivation. I was the kind of kid who never wanted to do anything wrong for fear of "getting in trouble" or seeing the disapproval of the adults I admired and respected. I wanted to be good and I wanted others to think highly of me, so I followed the rules and did what was right. I was motivated by people pleasing , seeking the admiration of others and fearing their disapproval. But, I was also motivated by the fear of consequences. I was pretty sure if I did something wrong, I would get caught and I didn't want to face punishment, so I stayed inside the lines. I'll never forget the film we watched in health class one day about the consequences of drug abuse. Stamped forever in my mind are the images of teenagers acting out of ...

My five year old came home from church this week explaining to me all about heaven. "There's no more bad guys there and no one will be sad or scared anymore. Nobody will need a doctor anymore because we won't get sick or hurt. I can't wait to go there!" His enthusiasm for heaven had me contemplating my own longing for that day, when we will be perfect with God. I can't wait - why can't it be like that now? When I came to Christ many years ago, I imagined that all of my weaknesses would be wiped out and that my imperfections would be filled in as God fixed up my broken heart. My heart is broken in all the usual ways - unmet needs, sins that linger, impure thoughts, stumbling blocks and the like. And the truth is, He has healed me from my sinful nature and He has delivered me from the power of sin, but I still struggle with daily challenges, making mistakes time and time again and feeling a deep emptiness inside. If I could name my greatest desire, ...

What is true love? I think my beginning understandings of love didn’t really happen until I had been married 3 years. For about the first three years, I still had stars in my eyes and I was really just living in “infatuation” instead of living in the hard reality of true love. Around the third year of our marriage, the perfect image I had for our marriage had begun to fade and I started to see things through a different light. At the end of each day, which was filled with teaching teenagers, grading papers, planning lessons and juggling a little baby girl’s needs with my own, I found it easier to criticize my husband for anything I felt he was lacking. It was around this time that I began to learn the importance of acceptance and affirmation in a marriage. I used to sometimes judge my husband because he wasn’t like the typical “seminary” student. He was uncomfortable in a suit and tie and it didn’t bother him to drink the milk straight from the jug or put his shoes up on the coffee tab...

This year, I have have transitioned into a new stage of my life as I continue to juggle my responsibilities of motherhood and I have now returned to teaching full time. I teach high school students- teenagers -the NEXTgeneration (always a scary thought) and my re-entry into the high school world has caused a few eye opening moments. As August rolled into September, my excitement and anxiety grew. I was ready to get back into the classroom and do what I love to do, but I knew it would be a time of transitions too. I thought that I would struggle this year with trying to continue with my duties as a mother and hold down a very challenging job. I thought I might struggle with the content of my classes, since I'm teaching things I've never taught before (as college level courses too!). I thought I might be drained by the demanding schedule....but I never thought I might be challenged spiritually. I don't know why, but I kind of forgot that I was walking into a very dark place w...

I have been reading less and less these days, unless you count math books, statistics tests and geometry notes. But, last weekend when I needed a real break, I sat down with Tricia Goyer and Mike Yorkey's newest release: The Swiss Courier. What a treat (kind of like Swiss dark chocolate)! The story is set in the last days of WWII, with a touch of espionage, nuclear physics and love. The central character is a regular girl, who is a half Swiss, half American young woman trying out her feet in the world and making discoveries about true love from the two men who are vying for her attention and her simple godly parents. I enjoyed this unique perspective on stories from that time in history and the realistic internal struggles the main character faces. I don't think I've read anything from the perspective of a Swiss (neutral) national being involved in the war or about the building of the atomic bomb. The historical elements tied together with the real life experiences ma...

Have you ever been in a situation where you realized that people were talking about you behind your back? I remember the moment I discovered that my so-called friends had been criticizing my every move when I wasn't there to defend myself. It was my first year teaching (16 years ago) and things hadn't been going very well for me...at all. I didn't have a classroom and the teachers sharing their rooms with me were hostile and irritated with my "new teacher" mistakes. I had more students than I knew what to do with (150+) and to top it off, I didn't get a lunch break, but instead spent lunch monitoring students. I remember sitting down at 3:30 for the first time all day, feeling completely spent and very overwhelmed by everything. And in the midst of all this, my friends were doubting my ability to do the job. They were kind to my face, but when I was gone, they talked about my weaknesses and criticized my character. Read the rest of the story at Laced with Grac...

I talk and talk and talk all day long. I talk about quadratic equations, Geometry proofs and standard deviation. I talk about homework and accuracy and attention to details. Yackity Yack And when I'm done talking about math, I talk about responsibility and kindness to siblings, cleanliness and healthy eating habits. I talk about how the day went and I talk about trials and blessings. I talk about me and then I ask about his day too. Talk, talk, talk Talk on its own is pretty meaningless though and I wonder how much of my talk is sweetened with love. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1 Read the rest of my devotion at the Internet Cafe this morning.